Something Better

x

x

Chapter 1

KEY NOTESQUEERPLATONIC RELATIONSHIP
----- Wukong = romance-repulsed aromantic asexual
----- Macaque = aromantic allosexual (probably demisexual)
----- Wukong is not sex-repulsed. I see him as maybe sex-indifferent more than sex-neutral. He doesn't think about it at all, it literally never crosses his mind and he doesn't have much of any interest in it at all BUT Macaque does, and generally he's more than happy to indulge for him.FIC BREAKDOWN

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

Chapter 2

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

x

in the land of milk and honey

This song is technically about fear of commitment and vulnerability, but it's also really aromantic to me if you interpret the lyrics differently and I thought it fit Wukong's character.This fic, while yes about Wukong being romance-repulsed aroace, it's also kind of a study on his avoidance of people and the guilt he carries with him over his past actions due to the grief being immortal causes him.

Wukong's Aromanticism

The interesting thing about aromanticism is that it's something people don't think about until they are forced to. Wukong was "born" in a social circle that is not matching human standards for obvious reasons. In LEGO Monkie Kid's depiction of his troop he is also the only one of his kind, much larger and clearly not exactly like them. I imagine romance isn't something that ever had any pressure or overtly dramatic attention placed on it till he left the island.So, it wasn't until his journey with the pilgrims that he was really introduced to how socially important romance was. This is where he comes to realization that he is fundamentally different to most of the people around him and that they all seemed to have an expectation innately put on everyone that he could not meet.This expectation wouldn't bother him in the slighest if not for Macaque's existence. They explain romance, and while he's pretty certain it doesn't relate to him at all, that doesn't explain his relationship with Macaque which doesn't seem to fit any of these boxes and labels.Not only has he never experienced crushes, but being aromantic is a PART of him. Nobody can take it away. It is something that quite literally defines his lived experience and he realizes as the years go on that this is something innate about him to his core that he needs to learn to come to terms with and accept.

Or did they simply realize that, for as long as they knew him, not once had he ever been head over heels for another?He did not know if his master and friend felt the same way as him. He did not know if he had ever fallen in love or if he was capable of it. Perhaps it was only sworn celibacy motivated purely by spiritual devotion, and not a deeper, integral part of his being, but ultimately the reason didn't matter....in their shared disinterest. Involuntary or chosen...If this is love, he could understand how undoing it was more than maybe anybody else in all the realms combined. If this is love, it couldn’t be, because there was no force pulling him against his will. No desire he had to beat down by force. No beast inside him he had to swear off. If he wanted it, he’d have to drag himself across dirt and rock. Scrape his skin and bleed. If this is love, it had to be, because he clawed his bloody path voluntarily. He paved this pain himself. He’ll rot with it if it takes him nowhere. It’s a choice. He knows. It’s always been a choice.

This last passage is one I really want to break down because this is directly coming from my own feelings about romance.He describes no force pulling him against his will, no desire, and nothing he needs to swear off. He does not feel romantic attraction. He does not have crushes, which are involuntary feelings people experience. It's something he could avoid for his entire life because he never experiences it.Yet, he has this not conventionally platonic relationship with Macaque. With their history, but more importantly with his grief and guilt, it becomes painful to think about and reach for. He isn't doing it because he had a crush past or present, he is doing it because Macaque is something special to him and he misses that connection.So, it's a choice. To have Macaque in his life the way he is has always been a choice for him. It's a choice that never came natural.This brings me to what I think is the biggest reoccurring aspect of this fic. When you are aromantic, how exactly do you define love? The word tends to be attributed to romance. Society tends to place it above everything else (the joke: "there is no platonic explanation for this" as an example). So if you experience something that is different from that, outwardly indistinguishable from people's recounts of romantic love, but your priority regarding it is different, then suddenly it does become a new experience.He doesn't romantically love Macaque, but Macaque had once been his first choice. Despite everything, he kind of still is in his own way. What's he supposed to make of that?

Wukong's Romance-Repulsion and How I Depicted It

I think most people tend to see romance repulsion as the most extreme it could possibly be. While this might be the case for some aromantic people, it definitely isn't for me. I wrote Wukong's experience with it to closely resemble my own.Romantic love isn't something I hate much. Some aros dislike mentions of it in general, but I don't think Wukong would care much at all. To me, and the way I wrote him, he only feels very repulsed when it comes to him being in a romantic relationship, being perceived as being in one, or being viewed in a romantic context by anyone.Romance therefor repulses him. He finds it irritating and disgusting, even with Macaque.I think most references to his repulsion in text are very straight foreward and direct. This is because it's a more intense feeling and more easy to identify, even if he doesn't fully understand what it entails.

Love and lust were driving forces for everyone, it seemed.
He couldn't say the same for himself. The idea irritated him more than anything.Viscerally repulsive. A certain disgust that made him feel trapped in his own skin."Do you want to be?"
That question. That stupid, awful question.
This time, he throws up on the rug. Utterly repulsed by the idea.

How His Relationship With Macaque Fits Into It

KEY NOTESQUEERPLATONIC RELATIONSHIP
----- Wukong = romance-repulsed aromantic asexual
----- Macaque = aromantic allosexualTo put it bluntly, BEST FRIENDS with a very unconventionally platonic relationship.Macaque, to me, is NOT romance-repulsed. He may even be more arospec than solidly aromantic. Regardless, the way he experiences attraction is fundamentally different to Wukong. This isn't super important to the fic but it does add context to how I characterized him. Macaque's differing feelings most likely contributed to how their relationship turned out.Yes, this means Macaque finds Wukong attractive (pls point and laugh at him).FIC BREAKDOWNMacaque and Wukong's relationship blurs the lines of what is conventionally platonic constantly in the fic, as well as in canon. Wukong's romance-repulsion causes this grey area that challenges what is considered platonic love to become confusing to identify and grapple with.His confusion only started during his journey with the pilgrims, as described in the first paragraphs of the fic.He is able to identify that Macaque's place in his life is unlike anybody else. A special connection that none of his other friendships met, not even Tripitaka. So what does that mean for them if he doesn't see it as romantic?

...yet the image of Macaque’s gentle smile illuminated by fireflies joining their steps in tandem wasn’t something he could ever forget.
“You’re amazing,” he had said at some point. He doesn’t remember why.
It certainly wasn’t the first time he complimented his friend, far from it, but he thinks maybe it was the first time the real meaning behind the words was a simple confession of love. He’s not sure why he would remember it so vividly had it not been.
He knows, in many ways, this was Macaque’s first confession as well. After all, once the night was over, he had discovered that this was a romantic summer festival for people to celebrate their most cherished loved ones. Something he’s sure Macaque had known before asking him to come. Yet, Macaque had never confessed directly to him. Not that night and not any other night. In their shared lifetime of living together, not once did either of them ever refer to the other as anything other than a friend. It never felt amiss. No gaping loss at a missing step.
He tried to imagine someone else in Macaque’s place, but that felt weird when it was people he knew. He didn’t feel like this — whatever it was — about any of them, so he tried to think of someone imaginary. A hypothetical to his inquisition. Only, every time he did, six ears remained no matter how much he tried to get rid of them. When they weren’t there it felt wrong. Viscerally repulsive. A certain disgust that made him feel trapped in his own skin. It seemed, no matter how much time passed, this was a place reserved for Macaque alone.

This is a BIIIIG one.Fireflies symbolize love, often romantic. They dance together at a romantic festival. The lines between platonic/romntic are being blurred. Turning romantic themes into something new that fits them.Wukong can't imagine anybody else in Macaque's place because he's trying to assume a romantic role onto them, which repulses him.The reason it can only be Macaque is because it was never romantic between them, and even if it went unsaid, they both had a mutual understanding of that. Neither loved each other like that, but they both felt the other was special to them.

In their shared lifetime of living together, not once did either of them refer to the other as anything other than a friend. It never felt amiss. No gaping loss at a missing step.Long, long ago, the ropes that hung above his couch had been a large hammock. Large enough to fit two celestial primates. Usually it was just Macaque that slept up there.

Were roommates, occasionally slept together (literally), but generally had their own space.

In a perfect world, Macaque’s happiness was his. In a perfect world, he stayed when Macaque asked him to.
He wasn’t living in a perfect world.

Reference to how taking Macaque for granted was the worst mistake he has ever made in his life, something that is implied by canon.

He hates him, Macaque hates him, and they hate because they love.
He thought of a cracked wine glass, a bleeding eye, a reluctant hand reaching out at the end of the world, and a question asked so many centuries ago by the only other friend that he felt understood even a semblance of what he was.
“Do you want to be?”
And wasn’t he? Didn’t he?

Here, Wukong is starting to reframe what the word love means, but it's still hazy in his confusion. He loved Macaque and they both loved each other. Macaque has singlehandedly been the reason that this question even bugs him at all. This descriptor has always fit Macaque, but Macaque has never been that to him.So when Tripitaka asked him if he wanted to be in love, the answer is actually very obvious. He was in love, in his own non-romantic way, and he deeply regrets the events that led to him losing it.

He stares at the hands with a heavy expression as Macaque accepts it, his fingers curling around with just as much delicacy. Somehow, it feels just like he thought it would. Everything he needed it to be. Hollow.
Macaque’s head falls against his shoulder. He leans into it.
If this is love, he knows it well. In the sorrow of soft embraces to the regret of violent maiming.

This is Wukong coming to terms with what Macaque is to him. Someone indescribable, but important to him. It may be buried under years of hurt and resentment, but the softer sides are being exposed and he wants so desperately for them to be okay again.This entire scene is focused on that grief of them being nothing like they used to be as well.

“Why is that?”
And he would respond honestly, “I think I loved him, and I don’t know if I’ll ever love like that again.”

Again, he haas come to terms with who Macaque is to him. He understand that what they had is special. He is not using love romantically. Macaque is not his one exception to romance. Macaque is a feeling he's never experienced with anyone else because he's never had a friend who has known so much about him, been so close to him, and been such an involved part of his life before, and he cannot imagine anyone but Macaque ever having that place.

Macaque was special. Someone he could not replace and someone he could not lose, even in death.

“Now when we’re out there, they’ll know we’re together.”
Macaque reached over to Wukong’s scarf to fix it and adjusted it to sit on the center of his chest. When he finished, his touch lingered on the knot, forcing his constantly moving friend to stay close.
“They really need to know that?”
“Of course,” Wukong says sweetly. “You and me forever, right?”

Blurring the lines of platonic/romantic. In the past he was so comfortable with it because he hadn't been given any reason to question how close they were. Despite everything, this is still applicable and Wukong has finally understood that.

“Yeah,” Macaque said quietly, like he wasn’t sure what would happen if he was heard. “It was something like this.”
Two words went unsaid. Wukong felt his breath catch melancholy in his throat at the unspoken confession.

"It was something like this with you" were the unspoken words. Macaque's favorite memory is one with Wukong.

If this is love, it couldn’t be.
“Do you want to be?”
He moves his tail to wrap around Macaque’s. He sways gently in tandem with him until the music eventually stops. Until the pipa is portaled away. Until it’s just the two of them under the tree.
If this is love, it has to be.
And he thinks. He knows. It’s a choice. It always has been. The answer is simple. Natural.

It isn't romantic love, but it is love. And it is a choice for him. He chose to keep Macaque in his life and he chose to keep coming back (mentally) and he chose to try to make place for him in his life again even after so much time and broken trust.

“I’ve spent the past I don’t even know how many centuries trying to figure out if I was in love with you or not.”
For a moment, Macaque didn’t respond. His head turned deeper into Wukong’s arm and he figured he finally fell asleep.
“And?” Macaque asked, sounding disinterested, but Wukong could tell with the way his ears perked toward him and the unwavering focus in his eyes as he looked up at him that he was anything but that.
“I think that, in a way, I was and still am?” Then, resolutely, “But no, I’m not.”
Macaque let out a huff. Amused, fond, yet ridiculing all at once. “Interesting. Glad it took centuries of thought to figure that out.”
“I’m not finished!” he continues with a smile, his arms jutting out to gesture as he speaks, making Macaque groan minutely in irritation. “Whenever I was asked if I loved someone or if there was someone special in my life, you were always the first person I thought of, even when I didn’t want to be thinking about you. And all I’m saying is that, I don’t know if that’s what they meant, what we were or whatever we have going on now, but I think that means something, right?”

Reiterating, Wukong loves him, just not romantically. Macaque was someone special to him and someone he missed dearly.Macaque is amused, but also making fun of him, because he is already aware of Wukong's feelings. At least vaguely, anyway. It's the first time Wukong is directly talking to him about this, but it's not surprising.

Macaque’s eyes widened, thrown off, “You’re asking if I’m in love with you?”
He nods.
“Yeah,” Macaque says easily. “But not really,” he mocks.

Since this fic is from Wukong's perspective, I'm not sure how much of Macaque's feelings actually translate, but I have my headcanons and intentions.Macaque answers so much easier than Wukong because he isn't romance-repulsed. This isn't some crazy question that has plagued him for centuries. He knows what Wukong is to him. He knows he loves Wukong and that love is unlike anything else he has ever experienced. It's not quite romantic, maybe because he's also aromantic or maybe because loving Wukong doesn't allow it to be romantic, but that's not something that has ever bothered him.He says "not really" to mock Wukong. He's making fun of him. Lightheartedly, but still making fun of him for overthinking it so much.

Wukong's Grief

Easily what the fic is actually about. Or maybe the B-Plot. This fic was equal amounts self-projection as it was a character study.Wukong's character is very weighed down by his past mistakes. He is implied to have a deep amount of grief for his passed friends. It is also implied that he spent so much time up in his mountain to stay out of peoples' way to not cause more issues, or at least that is partially why he isolated himself.His grief is ever present in this fic. His grief with Macaque specifically does influence his feelings toward him greatly. It does complicate the big question of whether or not he was in love with him as well.